


Guns n Roses

by Beezow_Doo_Doo_Zopittybop_Bop_Bop



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Crack, Forbidden Love, Guns, Happy Ending, Humor, Lance (Voltron) is a Good Boyfriend, M/M, Prom, Slice of Life, Teenage Drama, Violence, mafia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2020-05-14 06:54:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19268077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beezow_Doo_Doo_Zopittybop_Bop_Bop/pseuds/Beezow_Doo_Doo_Zopittybop_Bop_Bop
Summary: Lance leads a double life. On one hand he's trying to balance his family's involvement with the mafia, on the other he's trying to deal with his crush on resident bad boy Keith. It's kind of a clusterfuck.





	Guns n Roses

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ColdHeartedBitch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ColdHeartedBitch/gifts).



> finally cashed in on my promise to write this fic for dabbing squidward two years ago. here you go, buddy.

Lance is living a life no human boy should live.

By day, he's just your average seventeen year old. He goes to school, he eats a lot of juicy hamburgers, he hangs out with his friends, and he summons Satan every night to fill the empty void inside him. You know the one. (His butthole.)

But you're not seeing the full picture here. Lance isn't just your average human boy. Lance is a human member of the mafia.

"I don't have time to pimp your bitch," Lance says on the phone to a fellow mafia homie. "I'm trying to score a hot date to human prom!"

And he has JUST the hot date in mind.

Keith Hogane. The baddest bitch in school. He doesn't wash his hair- he don't care! Also, he doesn't wash his hands in the bathroom because he ALSO doesn't care about that. Lance once touched them in a heated moment of sexual tension (passing a note from Keith to Shiro Mantiddies) and he hasn't washed his hands since. Keith always wears crop tops and sometimes Lance even catches sight of a nipple or two when he watches him in the boyz locker room.

So yeah. Mafia duties aside, Lance has a mission of his own.

"YO Hogane!" Lance says, throwing a crinkle cut french fry at Keith's ass during lunch.

Keith swings his hips around, hitting several people in the process. "Yes?" he says, but his hips are saying  _yes?_

"Wanna go to human prom with yo boy? By the way, I'm yo boy. Skinny penis."

Keith thinks about it for a second. "You really think you can handle these hips, yo boy?"

Lance thinks about it for a second. "I'm a member of a very important organization. I know a thing or two about hips and how to handle them."

"Aight. Pick me up at 7. Bring me Taco Bell or no hip action."

Score! Forget being a member of the mafia. Lance is now pimping bitches to HIMSELF.

There is only one problem- Lance can't afford Taco Bell!

His dad is the leader of the mafia but the Mafia only has ties with McDonalds, not Taco Bell. He is going to have to do an illegal against them to get the food and get the boy's heart.

He pulls up into the mafia warehouse and grabs his Illegal Tasks bag, then has his mom drive him to Taco Bell because he can't pass his driver's exam. His mom gives him a kiss on the cheek and tells him to have fun before driving off. Lance doesn't have the heart to tell her she's driving on the wrong side of the road and killing lots of people in the process.

He pulls a gun out of his butt holster and says his signature line. "Live fast, eat ass." And then he orders a taco with the money he stole from his mom's purse.

After paying, Lance heads to the bathroom and returns the gun to his butt holster. It takes a couple tries, so he's almost late when he walks to Keith's house.

That's strange. Keith lives in a lizard habitat at PetSmart? Weird. Lance shrugs it off. He's too excited about Keith's peepee hands.

"Ready?" he asks Keith.

Keith hisses.

They walk into human prom. There is LOTS of sexual conduct happening at this human prom. Lance sees Mr. Holt trying to separate two twerking teens, but he ends up just joining in on the fun. Nice.

"So, wanna dance?" Lance asks.

"Where's my McDonalds?" Keith says.

Lance's heart drops. "Y-You said Taco Bell, Hogane... I brought you tacos."

Keith's like, "I'm on a no carb diet, Larry. I can't eat tacos. God, you're so insensitive."

"It's... it's Lance..." Lance feels like he's going to cry.

"Whatever, let's just get to the part where we're butt grinding," Keith says, beginning to sway his hips in provocative motions. Suddenly Lance forgets that Keith doesn't know his name and becomes horny.

They dance for a while, Lance getting super sweaty and remembering that he forgot to apply an extra layer of deodorant. He knows he has pit stains, but he's too much in the groove of shaking his booty to care.

They're cutting the rug to the Paw Patrol theme song when he hears the first scream.

"Get down!" someone yells at the DJ stand.

"Yeaaaaah!" Lance screams. "We are getting down! With this beat!"

"No!" they scream back. "Keanu Reeves has a gun!" And then his head explodes into a million pieces.

Keanu Reeves? His fucking DAD is here? He can't see how hard Lance is clapping his ass in his booty shorts! 

"Good job, son," yells Keanu breathtakingly. "You got one!"

"Got a what?" Lance is so confusion. There are lots of dead bodies around him. The dance floor is literally lit and flames are growing around Keanu's beautiful visage. Yeah he thinks his dad is beautiful- he has  _eyes_ , goddammit Bobby.

"A... A li--- Lance, did you even check the mafia group chat this morning?"

"Uh... no."

"I have slight disappointment in you, son. But i still love you because I'm Keanu Reeves. There are lizards impersonating people in this human town of ours. That boy with the hips is one of them. Also, Donald Trump, but he's golfing right now so we'll get em later."

Lance follows the trajectory of where his dad's gun is pointing and feels his ass drop. It's at Keith Hogane, his hot  _human boy_ date. "How could this be? Tell me it's not true, Hogane."

Keith's tongue flicks out to taste the air. "He's lying to you, Larry. No lizards here. As you can see, I am a human boy."

"Ask him," Keanu says. "Ask him something only a mammal would know."

Lance doesn't want to, but he turns to Keith and asks, "What's the perfect temperature to hatch an egg at?"

"Easy, that's anywhere from 70 to 92 degrees depending on the habitat or species," Keith says confidently. A film blinks sideways over his yellow eyes, just like in that one incriminating video of Justin Bieber.

Keanu puts an arm around Lance as he starts crying. "So you do hatch eggs. Only lizards do that, Keith. Why wouldn't you tell me?"

"Sorry I didn't tell you," Keith says. "I'm hormonal because it's egg hatching season. See?" An egg pops out of his bussy right then and there.

Keanu hands Lance a gun. "You know what you have to do, son."

Lance nods. Tears slip down his face like an animu or something. He levels the gun with shaking hands, counts down, five... four... three... one...

"Wait, Larry, baby," Keith says. "It doesn't have to be like this. These hips are yours, if you just don't shoot me please."

Lance hesitates. His hips are what he fell for first. "Okay."

"DAMMIT, LANCE," Keanu says. "I'll be waiting for you in the car outside But remember. I am very disappoint, son." He walks out in a parade of puppies and candy.

Lance grabs Keith's wiener hand. "So what now?" he asks, smiling at the love of his life.

"I have some things to take care of before we can be together forever," Keith says before killing all the mafia members except for Keanu Reeves. "Also I have to eat your arm."

"Wha-"

Lance screeches as Keith eats his arm. He quickly realizes it isn't personal and he should be happy to share.

"Right on, man!" Shiro Mantiddies shouts from the sidelines. He also had his arm eaten by a lizard person. Solidarity.

After that, Lance retires from the mafia to be a stay at home egg mother to all of Keith's lizard eggs. They happily reside at Pet Smart in the lizard department. The habitat is small but homey. Keanu Reeves often visits them to tap on the glass and to feed Lance crickets. His mom brings him McDonalds chicken mcnuggets daily.

It's a good life.

It's a good existence.

 ~~Pleasehelpme~~ All is well.

THE END :D

 


End file.
